Kid from Missouri travels

I think I am doing better. It has been about 9 months since my mom’s death.

I have been exercising, so I know I have lost a little weight and grown. I think I am doing better with my balance and strength. I can look at my Nana eye-to-eye. She does not like it when I get in her face and says, “My bubble- keep out please.” That is so funny.

She also does not like it when I look at her and follow her with glaring eyes. It is funny because I can move around and keep my eyes on her. She says, “Stop, you are freaking me out.” I guess it would freak me out, too, if someone were doing it to me.

So something happened at the church homeschool coop yesterday, and it made me think about how scared I am when someone doesn’t answer my calls or when I don’t answer their texts. I kinda think everyone in my family feels like this because my dad and nana always tell me to answer when they call or text. I noticed yesterday at the co-op at the church up the street from my Nana’s house that when I was told to put my phone away, I got really scared.

I get that they don’t want you to talk or play on your phone when someone is speaking, but this was my nana calling. She was outside talking to someone from YouTube about my channel. I just did not know if she was hurt, upset, or just needed me, so I answered the text.

It made me mad and scared. What if it were my dad and he was hurt? Or what if it was someone who was missing or in an accident? What if my nana fell again? What if she needed me? What if someone died again? It really made me mad and scared.

My Nana said the woman who told me to put my phone away [ I just want you to know that woman said it in a mean voice] just does not know how I feel or about my mom. She told me that I could either tell her I get scared because I don’t know if something bad is going to happen to my family again, and I need that security, or tell her I am sorry for texting my nana, but I was concerned. She said I could talk to her about it, or she could talk to me about it, but I don’t know.

I think they might kick me out because they think I am ignoring grown-ups? I don’t know if I trust them to understand. I also don’t want to tell them about my mom.

Are grown-ups always right? My Nana says, “not all the time, but if we tell them what is going on, they will better understand me, and that will help them to know why I react to some things like the phone text messages.

I don’t know if I want them to know.

Yesterday I cried a lot thinking about my mom; today was better until that happened and made me scared, sad, and anxious. I did not want to go to violin practice, but my Nana said it would make me feel better because it is my routine.

All I know is I need to check my phone if my family calls– it is just something I need to do.

But I think I am doing a little better because I feel like a 7 out of 10. I don’t know what Easter will be like. My Nana said I might be sad, but we can always take spring flowers to my mother’s gravestone and clean it for spring. I want to do that, but I am not sure if I will be a 20 out of 10 on that day. It has been one year, that is what my Nana said. I said, “Really, it seems like yesterday. I still hear her voice and see her face. I feel like it was just yesterday.”

I did not want to do much, but my Nana kept taking me to see if I would try to be happier. It was okay when we were busy, but when we were quiet, I was sad and would remember.