CanExplores

Thoughts from Nana’s Desk

Finding Myself

A little background on myself: As many of you know, we get into therapy or a career because something in our childhood led us to it. Some of us get into drug counseling because we were addicts or had someone close to an addict. We work in shelters because one saved us, was abused, homeless, or in children’s division (ward of the state). 

In my case, raised by an absent tee parent who was a Naval officer and a mother with significant emotional and past physical trauma, it caused a few challenges. 

I had to overcome an abusive marriage, rape, and eating disorder. Not in that order. I struggled to know who I was. Having a mother who had a mental breakdown when I was seven left me caring for my younger siblings was the beginning of my caretaking identity. I continued this with the attitude of “I can do this,” which helped in my lost identity leading to an eating disorder and identity crisis. 

I never regretted having my children and have found much joy and peace in them. I loved my children and our life. I found coping skills and planned ignoring gave me hope and kept me sain which lasted a long time; however, I felt empty and continued to get tangled in unhealthy relationships. 

I watched “Run Away Bride” and thought as she sat in front of all the eggs: ” that is so much like me!” I don’t know who I am, I am not sure what I want or what I like. These new revelations led me on my journey of self-discovery. 

My journey was difficult as I identified with co-dependency, toxic relationships, hidden trauma, and unspoken dreams. I began to weave together events from my childhood and understand how my childhood and some of the events from my parents’ childhood affected me; how they were raised influenced how I was raised. We parent like we were parented until we choose to make some hard decisions and changes.

I began to understand it did not have to involve how I raised my children if I chose to do the hard work. Inner child work, face fears, and tackle anxiety. Or I could continue to hide away my feelings, shake at every move I made, and shrink into that safe corner and hide. I chose to come out of that deep dark hole and move forward so my children would have a better understanding of communication, boundaries, and life choices.

Facing the abusive husband while defending myself as normal was terrifying. Knowing I was being gaslit was horrifying. Thinking I had lost my mind when I was being manipulated was daunting.

Finding who I was outside of a caretaker, nurturer, the scapegoat, fixer, and what every label people put on me was horrifying. Staying in that place of disappearing became non-negotiable. It was not a place I wanted to be. I could not let my children see me as ‘that mother’

I struggled to balance work, home, life, and marriage. Realized my ex-husband decided he liked drugs better than us (me and my children), and I could not put my children through the abuse any longer. He actually left me for someone else. They say abused women go back at least 7 times. I think I went back more than that.

We finally did leave, but sometimes I feared it was not soon enough. I want to be clear I am not for or against divorce; if you love your partner and want to work things out, I believe you should. I tried for over ten years. In my case, the drugs were the problem (police, money issues, moving every few months, and the fear of leaving my children with him alone) And I have to admit my co-dependence was an issue. I had no idea what I wanted or what happiness was. I became what I needed to be to survive.

Finding myself took time, work, and determination. I went to school a lot!… I have a few degrees, but I noticed they were all in the same thing: psychology, sociology, child development, and family relations.

I began working in child care and realized I was good at it. I should have been good at it because I realized I have been doing it since childhood. Always the caretaker, fixer, and scapegoat.

I went into social work and realized I was answering questions and helping people make positive choices. The issues they were having I had and overcame. I began to build confidence. When I learned CBT (cognitive behavior therapy and distortions) I was like: man I have all of these but minimizing is my go-to.

I began working with nonprofits because I loved the idea of helping others who struggled like I did and knew they could overcome. I was on the streets of Los Angeles, with the homeless, in Chinatown with new immigrants (my grandparents were new to America but from Canada so I understand some of the fears and language barriers), domestic violence shelters, homeless shelters, and residential care for children and mental health. 

In my life, Jesus was my saving grace- however, raised Catholic, I found that I loved the idea of the full gospel churches. It was not a big shock to me or anyone that I found comfort, joy, peace, and love in my religion, my understanding of the bible, and my communication with the Holy Spirit. My way to finding myself was a journey and an individual journey.

I am not saying this way of life or finding yourself is for everyone. I am not here to tell you what religion, sexual preference, or lifestyle you need to live. I am here to help you walk your own journey your way- holding your hand and being there for you so you know what someone is saying.” I am here for you and only you!”

Yes, as you see I have gone through some things, but I have not gone through your situation. I may have suffered abuse, trauma, and helplessness, but I am not you, so I was affected differently. I appreciate your difference and accept it is different. 

Knowing you and having the privilege to help you in any way can bring great joy to me. I want you to know this is a safe place. 

If you have questions or suggestions for appropriate blogs, leave a message in the contacts. Someone will answer as soon as they can.